*Dear readers: The term “bastard” is being used here in a strictly definitive sense to refer to a child born to unwed parents. Any connotations ascribed to the term are your own. Plus, you guys know I would never slag off JC on his b-day.
Happy Christmas, everyone! The big day is finally here and with it comes the conclusion of our weeklong celebration of the infant baldness, strange gratitude, marriage to an older woman, magic, near make-out sessions, and hangovers of JC. As today is his birthday, I think it fitting that we investigate the actual circumstances by which JC came into this world. Unfortunately though, my dear readers, I must warn you that this tale is more than a bit sordid and involves perhaps the worst case of cuckoldry in history. In the end, our opinion of the so-called “Holy Family” may be altered, and we might never be able to look at all those professional portraits, for which Mary made Joseph shell out way too much money, in quite the same way.
(Peter Paul Rubens, The Holy Family with Saints Francis and Anne and the Infant Saint John the Baptist, probably early 1630s; oil on canvas; New York, Metropolitan Museum of Art. Why are you wedged into that dark corner, Joseph? Is it because you're a cuckold?)
It will still be fun, though; mainly because we have occasion to use the word “cuckold” gratuitously.
Let’s begin from the beginning, shall we? Most of us probably know that producing a child requires a male and female to perform certain acts, the specific details of which I’m having trouble recalling at this point in my life. All I know for certain is that spending loads of time reading ancient philosophy in a twin bed in one’s parents’ house is not conducive to such goings-on. But this isn’t about me, this is about JC and his "parents," Joseph and Mary. So, let's get back on track: Before a couple can perform these maneuvers they must be in love; and they must prove this fact in the eyes of the government by getting married. Now Joseph and Mary met on OkCupid. You could say that they were in love, I guess. Mary was kind of naïve and she fell for Joseph, who was an older guy that had been around the block a few times. Joseph knew he wasn’t getting any younger and he decided that he needed to lock that down. So he did.
(Raphael, The Marriage of the Virgin, 1504; oil on panel; Milano, Pinacoteca di Brera.)
Sounds like the recipe for a great marriage, right? Also, before we move on, I think it important to point out that you will not find God in any of the wedding pictures. He was bitter because he had chatted to Mary on OkCupid as well, but Joseph just sort of swooped in and locked that down, as I said. Hey, you snooze you lose, am I right?
Unsurprisingly, but still unfortunately, things between Mary and Joseph did not get off to a good start. Joseph, who thought that he was a smooth talking, experienced lad, realized that he might have been played when the previously sweet and innocent Mary started moaning about absolutely everything: the barn they lived in wasn’t big enough, Joseph should become a contractor instead of being “just a carpenter” (her words), she needed a nicer donkey to ride to yoga, why didn't Joseph go to Jared's more often, and things of that nature. And those acts, goings-on, and maneuvers to which I referred vaguely a bit earlier? There was none of that.
Interestingly, though, Mary ended up becoming pregnant.
(Simone Martini, Annunciation, 1333; tempera on panel; Firenze, Galleria degli Uffizi. Pregnancy tests were weird back in the Dark Ages.)
I think most of us know the "secret" behind Mary’s pregnancy: The child wasn’t Joseph’s; it was God’s, who Mary still chatted with sometimes. (By the way, whenever Joseph asked about that, she said they were “just friends,” then started bugging him to buy her that donkey. Joseph would get frustrated, understandably, and go out to the shed to do some woodworking, so to speak, and nothing would get resolved. They weren't very good communicators.) However, I still think it interesting that Mary looks so surprised to hear that she is pregnant. Now, I’m admittedly no expert in those things people do to get pregnant, but I’m pretty sure that the woman usually knows when those things have taken place: So, why the shock? You know what, I’m not even going to touch that question. Alright, maybe just one poke. All I’ll say is that God was in a frat back in his college days (Chi Rho, I think) and you know how those guys do. That’s all I’m going to say. Well, one more thing: It’s not as if gods have never been known to mess around and disregard the sanctity of marriage (ahem, Zeus); though I suppose you can’t compare the two, very similar cases. I mean, everyone knows that Zeus is completely made up and never existed, and that the God that we have now, in America, always was and always will be; and any similarities between the two are pure coincidence and not due to the fact that previously existing mythologies, practices, and beliefs were adapted and transformed to suit a newly ascendant religion, obviously.
Anyway, to return to our story: At this point Joseph didn’t think much of the fact that Mary had gotten pregnant without any contribution on his part. He had no idea that he had been cuckolded clandestinely. He figured the kid was his because they were married: Who else’s could it be, right? Plus, you have to remember that this is all taking place in the Dark Ages. Science wasn’t invented yet. Joseph just thought that maybe Mary became pregnant because he had thought about it once or twice, or something.
A little while later, the baby who would grow up to become the JC we all know and love was born. Now Joseph started to get suspicious. First, the kid just didn't resemble Joseph at all. See for yourself:
(Have I mentioned that JC is black? No? Sorry, I guess I just never noticed. Also, I apologize for not having any information on the date and location of this work, which I found randomly by typing "black jesus" into Google. It looks like a Byzantine mosaic; perhaps from the sixth century? But it could easily be later; Byzantine art is well out of my area of expertise, to be honest. If anyone can identify this it would be much appreciated.)
Secondly, these rich dudes that Mary and Joseph didn’t even know just showed up and brought all these gifts, but wouldn’t say who they were from.
(Albrecht Dürer, Adoration of the Magi, 1504; oil on panel; Firenze, Galleria degli Uffizi.Hey! I just noticed that one of those guys is black too! That's rad. Also, sweet tights bro.)
Joseph wanted answers, so he dragged Mary and Baby JC to the greatest oracle in the land:
His name was Maurius Povichimus. Maurius was considered by the elites of the time as something of a rabble-rouser, but that’s just because he wanted to bring truth to the people and those in power can’t handle that. He took on Joseph’s case with the same seriousness, compassion, and dedication that he gave to all those who came to avail themselves of his unique abilities. Finally, after extensive auguring, Maurius emerged and declared:
You would think that Joseph would have been pissed, or happy, or something. But he just sat there; he didn’t even jump up and dance a funny little jig like so many of Maurius’ guests after hearing such news. I think learning that he had been cuckolded – that he was, in fact, a cuckold – broke him. ("Cuckold" is both a verb and a noun, which is awesome.)
The whole “family” just went back to Bethlehem and acted like nothing ever happened. Needless to say, things were tense; but, somewhat strangely, Joseph started putting in extra hours in the woodshed to keep the illegitimate Baby JC in the finest burlap clothes.
(Georges de la Tour, Joseph the Carpenter, c. 1645; oil on canvas; Paris, Musée du Louvre.)
He even bought Mary that nice, new donkey, for which she had badgered him endlessly, before JC was born, at least.
(Giotto di Bondone, Flight into Egypt, after 1305; fresco; Padua, Arena Chapel. Look at that shiny new donkey. It's even smiling, unlike Joseph and Mary. They do not look too happy.)
Not surprisingly, Mary wasn’t so pushy anymore. As for Joseph, he seemed content to hold the trump card that he had been given by Maurius over Mary’s head in quiet spitefulness, and they lived out the rest of their days in suppressed, seething loathing for one another.
Happy b-day JC! And Happy Christmas to all!
(Published originally on December 25th, 2011.)
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