Today in our weeklong celebration of JC’s birthday, we will address a question that I’m sure is on many of your minds: What was JC like on a night out?
In the interests of full disclosure it should be known that JC was into some fairly strange stuff. Sometimes he would take us to these… places. We didn’t want to know what went on when he went in; we would just wait outside and let him do his thing.
(Piero della Francesca, The Flagellation of Christ, c. 1455-1460; tempera and oil on panel; Urbino, Galleria Nazionale della Marche.)
Look, I’m an open-minded guy, but it was all just a bit much. If you want to go on, there's more after the jump.
Anyway, since JC knew that we put up with his unorthodox proclivities and didn’t complain when he dragged us to his weird little clubs, one night he decided to treat us all to a nice dinner. He tried to play it off like, “Hey, pops gave me the Amex gold card: Why don’t I take you guys out?” But we all knew it was due to the reasons aforementioned. Even though JC could be kind of a diva (or is it “divo” if it’s masculine?), he was a considerate guy at heart. Anyway, the meal started out great. He had reserved us a private room in this restaurant that had a brilliant view: The bread was breakin' and wine was flowin'.
(Leonardo da Vinci, The Last Supper, 1495-1498; tempera on gesso, pitch, and mastic; Milano, Santa Maria della Grazie.)
But therein lay the problem; in the fact that the wine kept flowing, I mean. People got kind of rowdy and there was this weird tension between JC and Judas (in the green, to JC's left); over what, no one knew. Did I mention that JC could be a bit of a divo? Plus, Judas is something of a wild card, which didn’t help. Despite the strange vibe that permeated the evening, someone suggested we hit up the discotheque, as they say in Europe. It seemed like a good idea at the time; everyone could have a few more drinks, dance, and hopefully loosen up.
But that’s never how it goes, is it? Things got weirder and weirder, especially between Jesus and Judas, and eventually most of the guys left; probably because there weren’t any birds at the club – there never are – but the weirdness didn’t help. In any case, by the time the night was winding down only John the Evangelist, Judas, JC, and myself were still around. JC was just sort of sulking and Judas seemed kind of pissed; we didn’t think much of it, though, because this was par for the course for those two; just the usual drama. But then, something completely crazy happened:
(Caravaggio, The Taking of Christ, c. 1602; oil on canvas; Dublin, National Gallery of Ireland.)
All of a sudden, Judas just lunged in for a kiss! JC was like, “Dude! C’mon!”
After being shut down, Judas was obviously pretty embarrassed and maybe even a little offended, but, as JC said, c’mon. I’m not saying dudes can’t or shouldn’t make out: If that’s you – and if that's the dude you want to make out with – then go for it, by all means. I’m just saying you can’t blame JC for not returning the attempted snog in this specific case. The guy’s been married since he was about zero years old and, as far as I know, he’s just not into dudes; all this in addition to the fact that Judas is a right minger. Don’t believe me? Have a closer look:
(Judas, print after a lost work by Hans Holbein the Younger; from Johann Caspar Lavater’s Essays on Physiognomy, first published in 1781. Would you want to make out with this guy? If so, let him know. He could use some action.)
But I think JC handled everything relatively calmly, considering the situation. John, however, freaked the f—k out, for whatever reason. Needless to say, there was a big commotion, the bouncers came running, and they tossed us all out of the club. And that’s usually how a night with those guys ended. Great story, right?
(On a serious note: If any of you, my valued readers, are in or near Dublin - and I know some of you are - I recommend highly that you make every effort to see Caravaggio's Taking of Christ in person. None of the reproductions found online do the painting justice even remotely. No work of art can be reproduced adequately in digital or photographic form, but some make more of an impact in person than others: The Taking of Christ is one of those. I was fortunate enough to see it in Rome in 2010. I spent at least an hour in front of it and still had to forcibly tear myself away. There's not much more I can say: Just go.)
Check back tomorrow, December 24th (X-mas Eve!), for Day VI of JC's Banging Birthday Week.
(Published originally on December 23rd, 2011.)
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