Thus far in our weeklong celebration of the life of Jesus, we have focused our attention mainly on JC’s baby years, as well as touched upon his activities nearly 1200 years after his passing, when he was the psychedelic hallucination of a malnourished monk. As such, I think it necessary that we flesh out JC the man: What were his interests? How did he spend his free time?
One particular obsession of JC’s comes to mind immediately. There was a point when the guy was absolutely consumed with the idea of becoming a great magician. He wasn’t very good at first, but he was persistent. So persistent, in fact, that it became quite annoying; so annoying, in fact, that the Jews tried to stone him (Gospel of John 10:31). John says it was because the Jews thought JC was saying he was God; that he and his father were one guy – I guess they were as confused about this as I am – but that’s just John being nice. The real reason is that he would gather everyone together for a magic show and then none of his tricks would work. The Jews were pissed about being called away from their hearty dirt dinners and warm stone beds (remember, that’s how people lived back then), so they broke off pieces of their beds and flung them at JC. Not a very nice thing to do, but it was understandable.
One would think that such an occurrence would cause an aspiring magician to give up his dream; however, JC only redoubled his efforts, working especially hard on his presentation and pageantry. He was so intense about getting this new trick together that, when he heard one of our buddies, Lazarus, was sick, he told us that we couldn’t go see him. I can’t remember what he said specifically, but it was something like, “Guys, I’ve been working on this new illusion [he didn’t like calling them “tricks”] that needs a corpse. So, I think the L man just has to take one for the team this time. I mean he has the plague [Note: I'm pretty sure that’s what he had], so there’s not much anyone can do. Well, there is something I could do; I could ask my dad to cure him and he’d definitely say yes; but still, you’ve got to see this trick – I mean illusion! If it works – I mean when it works – you guys will shit!” (John 11:4).
We all thought this was pretty messed up and we tried to reason with him; to convince him to just sneak in quietly, cure Lazarus, and get out; we didn't want him to get a big crowd together for one of his magic shows that may or may not come off. You see Lazarus lived in Bethany, which is in Judea, the land of the Jews. So we said, “JC, why do you want to put yourself through this again? What if it doesn’t work? The Jews will stone you for sure.” And he replied, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If any man walk in the day, he stumbleth not, because he seeth the light of this world. But if a man walk in the night, he stumbleth, because there is no light in him” (John 11:8-10). None of us understood what the hell he meant by this, so we came up with the plan to just stand at the back of the audience and book it out of there if – I mean when – the trick didn’t work.
A couple days later Lazarus croaked. JC dragged us all into Bethany and he was weirdly psyched. We all thought his attitude was more than a bit inappropriate, considering that his friend had just died. It’s like all he cared about was his magic. Anyway, we get into town and JC tells everyone to get together for a magic show straight away.
The big moment had finally arrived. Everyone was gathered around Lazarus’ cave-tomb. JC told some kids to take the slab away from the entrance. He didn’t pay any attention to Martha, Lazarus’ sister, when she warned him, “Lord, by this time he stinketh: for he hath been dead for four days” (John 11:39). JC took a deep breath, waved his magic wand (not pictured), and called out, “Lazarus, come forth!” (John 11:43). And this is what happened:
(Giotto di Bondone, The Raising of Lazarus, after 1305; fresco; Padua, Arena Chapel.)
Nothing. Surprise, surprise; the trick didn’t work. Not only was the L-man still very, very dead, but he also looked absolutely awful. I suppose he looked like dead guys do usually, but it’s not exactly common practice to toss a cadaver in a cave and then take it out after four days to have a peek, so his appearance came as more than a bit of a shock. People were pissed, especially because Martha was spot on with her warning. The L-man reeked.
He never smelled too good when he was alive, to be brutally honest – I mean it was the Dark Ages; people showered maybe once a year; on Valentine's Day, usually – but this took it to a whole new level. But JC was just like, “Put him back in; give me one more shot; I got this!” (John 11:43a, I think). The Jews did, though I’m pretty sure they were only buying themselves some time to gather up some big, heavy, sharp rocks with which to stone JC and the rest of us. At this point, we were all resigned to the fact that this was going to be a bloodbath and we were wishing that we hadn’t rode in on donkeys, because there’s no way they were fast enough to get us out of there safely. Plus, we were all barefoot, like idiots, so we couldn’t run too quickly either. We should have worn trainers, even if they do look stupid with our gowns, or whatever you want to call them; I don't know what the hell we were thinking. In any case, like I said, it looked like it was going to be a bloodbath for sure. However, on the second try, the unbelievable happened:
(Duccio di Buoninsegna, The Raising of Lazarus, panel from the rear of the predella of the Maestà altarpiece, 1308-1311; tempera on wood; Fort Worth, TX, Kimbell Art Museum.)
It actually worked! The audience went wild! But Laz still smelled awful.
I mean really, really bad.
(Giovanni Francesco Barbieri, called il Guercino, The Raising of Lazarus, 1619; oil on canvas; Paris, Musée du Louvre.)
It was so bad that one of the kids that took the slab away even chundered into the grave. Embarrassing.
After the kid vomited, the applause died down. Everyone realized the same thing at pretty much the same moment: That’s a great trick and everything, but what the hell are we supposed to do with this putrid, reanimated corpse?
But it all worked out in the end, sort of. I say it worked out because the L-man’s acting career took off and he would go on to star in popular TV shows, such as AMC’s The Walking Dead. I say “sort of” because that show is utterly horrible and Lazarus knows it. It makes him miserable that he’s compromising his artistic integrity for a paycheck by being part of such an appallingly terrible production, one in which the writers, director, and other actors are all complete hacks.
(Credit for the above image goes to “Gabe,” who writes humorous recaps of The Walking Dead episodes for Videogum. I find them infinitely more amusing than the show itself. Check them out.)
Check back tomorrow, December 23rd, for Day V of JC’s Banging Birthday Week.
(Published originally on December 22nd, 2011.)
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