Today’s episode from the life of JC will be unique in our weeklong celebration, as it took place about 1200 years after JC’s actual life. But, as most of you probably know, JC does not allow piddling things like death to slow him down. So, here’s what happened: Around the turn of the twelfth century (by which I mean the twelfth century was ending and the thirteenth was beginning - wait, so would that be the turn of the thirteenth century? I’m truly not sure. Anyway…), there was this guy called Francis of Assisi who loved Jesus. He did the usual stuff: renounced all his earthly possessions, went and lived on a mountain, prayed a lot; as I said, it was pretty standard. But apparently he was better at it than all the other people who also did that stuff because Jesus took notice and decided to do something nice for the guy, who was basically sleeping on a rock and eating dirt, I think.
Let’s have a look at Giotto’s rendering of JC expressing his thankfulness to Francis for the latter’s devotion:
(Giotto di Bondone, Stigmatization of Saint Francis, 1320s; fresco; Firenze, Sta. Croce, Bardi Chapel.)
To give you a bit more insight into what’s going on, below you will find a completely accurate transcript of the exact conversation that took place between these two prior to the event depicted above. (Disclaimer: The following account of said conversation may not be completely accurate.)
Jesus: Oh hey, Frank, thanks very much for being the most faithful guy on Earth at the moment.
Francis: No problem, JC. To be completely honest, there’s not much to do in the early 1200s anyway. Most people live in conditions quite similar to the ascetic lifestyle I’ve imposed upon myself so nobly. (Disclaimer: I imagine that this is somewhat accurate, maybe.)
Jesus: Oh come on; don’t be modest. The rocks you sleep on are way harder than those on which others sleep; and you eat far less dirt than most of the gluttonous blasphemers around here, which shows fortitude, or something. In return for your sacrifices, I’ve decided to give you a little present. Do you want to know what you’ve won?
Francis: Oh, Jesus, you didn’t have to get me anything. [To himself: It’s got to be an Ipad! Open the gates Porn City, Big Frank is coming to town!]
Jesus: Check this: I will personally appear in one of your hallucinations, still nailed to the cross, but I’ll be flying through the air, with wings! And not just two wings, like some lame regular angel. I won’t have four wings either, like some other, slightly less boring type of angel. Dude, when you see me, I’m going to have six wings. Basically, I’ll be a seraph, which is tough to top. I’m pretty sure six is the most wings that angels are allowed to have. I’ll have to check with my dad later, but I’m almost positive that six is the max.
Francis: Uh…
Jesus: But that’s not all! Again, in gratitude for your extreme faithfulness, my hallucinatory image will shoot golden lasers from my sacred wounds and burn holes into corresponding spots on your body! You will have the exact same puncture wounds as I did on that terrible, terrible day; which, I imagine, will be awesome for you!
You’re speechless, I see. Well, clearly JC has nailed it again! See you next time you hallucinate due to extreme malnutrition! Oh, that is not what I intended to say - sorry! I meant "the next time you hallucinate due to your extreme faithfulness." Your hallucinations are definitely spiritual. Definitely. Ok bye. [Scampers away.]
Francis: [To himself: This is worse than that terrible present I got for my last birthday. Oh well, back to wanking to clouds that look vaguely like ladies.]
Check back for Day III of JC's Banging Birthday Week tomorrow, December 20th.
(Published originally on Decemner 19th, 2011.)
No comments:
Post a Comment