Belly's Birthday Wish List

Remarkably, another year of my life is about to expire. Although, now that I look back on the previous sentence, I suppose such an occurrence isn't particularly remarkable; with each passing day each and every one of us draws closer to the cold, dark end; to oblivion, to Elysium, to the Inferno, or to whatever awaits us beyond the threshold of our current experience that we so casually call "life" or "reality," whether accurately or not. That being said, the anniversary of one's birth (or the mile-markers along the way to one's death, however one wants to look at it) should clearly be employed as an opportunity to accumulate much-needed material possessions. 


So, I will take this opportunity to note that I have spent innumerable hours slaving away selflessly at this enterprise, which has been entirely for your enjoyment, dear readers (as one of my favorite chanteuses, Lana Del Ray, sings in "Video Games:" "It's you, it's you, it's all for you..."). Additionally, I know many of you have enjoyed my efforts, as the newly installed visitor counter on the right sidebar attests. Well alright, perhaps that's not an overwhelming number. In any case, as I am positive that none of you are mooching socialists, I thought you might like the opportunity to give something back to help sustain my hitherto philanthropic philosophical endeavors. If you are so inclined, below you will find a brief list of suggestions for gifts; just a few items that have tickled my fancy lately. Thank you in advance.


1. Farnese Hercules

This is perhaps my favorite sculpture in the world. Also called the Weary Hercules, the statue was unearthed in 1546 during excavations of the Thermae Antoninianae, or the Baths of Caracalla, carried out by agents of the illustrious Farnese family. Its colossal scale suggests that it was commissioned and executed for that structure, which was itself massive, thus dating the work's origin to sometime in the late second or early third century CE. Apart from the remarkably lifelike treatment of the marble, this sculpture is an astounding achievement of structural engineering, as its massive bulk (it must weigh a few tons) is balanced precariously on only three relatively unreinforced points: the handle of the club projecting up into the armpit and the two feet, one aligned nearly right in front of the other. Today, the big fella resides in the Museo Archeologico Nazionale, in Naples, Italy. If you could cover the shipping costs to bring it over to mine, plus some modifications to the parent's place that would be necessary in order to house it (the statue is about ten feet tall), that would be much appreciated as well.

2. Paris Bordone's Baptism of Christ (c. 1535-1540, oil on canvas)

I don't think I need to expand much on why I desire this breathtaking painting, but I will anyway. First: I love Jesus, as many of you know already. Second: Well, as nice as the above reproduction is, you need to go see it for yourself, which I know many of my readers are able to do easily, as this painting hangs in the National Gallery in Washington, D.C. I recommend that you visit on a bright, sunny day when features such as the drapery being held by the angel and the droplets of water that Saint John is pouring on Christ literally shimmer. There is also an amazing tension between the solid, clearly drawn, almost over-articulated anatomies of the two primary figures and the soft, hazy, somewhat indistinct treatment of hair, draperies, and landscape features: In art historical terms, this painting contains simultaneously virtuoso demonstrations of both disegno and colore, normally two mutually exclusive approaches to painting. A stunningly unique masterpiece.

3. Julia Holter's Ekstasis

Ms. Holter released one of my favorite albums of 2011, if not my absolute favorite. I may even like her more than Lana Del Ray, if you can believe that. This album does not come out until early March, but you can pre-order it for me if you like. From what has been released already, it promises to be exquisitely beautiful.

Now, I'll need something which will enable me to fully enjoy my new album. These look nice:

4. Audeze LCD-3 Headphones

Only $1,945.00. Reasonable.

5. The Round Mound of Rebound - Sir Charles T-shirt

Despite receiving an excellent new t-shirt for Christmas (thanks Brett!), a great many of my clothes are quite threadbare. For example: I'm currently wearing a sweater that will be eleven years old in the fall over a t-shirt that will be nine years old come this summer; and incidentally, I'm not wearing any pants. (My apologies if that offends any of you suits who dwell mindlessly in the straight world.) However, all that aside, who wouldn't want a t-shirt that recalls the good old days when Sir Charles did work for the 76ers, as well as those utterly terrible uniforms of the early 1990s? (I'm a medium, by the way.)

Speaking of terrible things from the early 1990s...

6. Predator 2

Reasons for wanting this (in no particular order): 

A) I have the original Predator, so I kind of need this one.

B) Gary Busey co-stars and provides extensive commentary in the special features, some excerpts from which you can view below. (I HIGHLY recommend that you take five minutes to watch this video.)

Mentioning the original Predator reminds me...

7. Pumping Iron

This DVD narrowly escaped my clutches at a white elephant party over the holidays, and I still haven't completely gotten over the loss. It was probably one of the single greatest tragedies of my life, in all honesty. 

Okay, to prevent any potential misconceptions, I feel compelled to assert that the following item has no relation at all to the preceding one.

8. Lubriderm Daily Moisture Lotion (Normal to Dry Skin, Fragrance Free variety)

One simply must to stay moisturized, especially in the winter. Also, I most certainly am NOT keeping a woman in a pit in my basement. I cannot state that emphatically enough. 

Moving on...

9. Length of Garden Hose

Crap. Probably should not have included this here. Disregard.

10. NO2 Black (MRI)

This item was provoked by #7. Plus, summer is coming faster than you think! NO2 Black is the most effective supplement I have ever taken. To say that the pumps I experienced while taking this supplement were borderline painful would not be an exaggeration. Your veins and arteries swell so drastically with oxygen and nutrient-rich blood that you feel as if they may explode at any moment: A blissful sensation, to which Arnold will testify: 

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to afford it for some time; the NO2, I mean. (Note: Though the 180 count is pictured, I prefer the 300 count bottle. Go big or go home, I always say; especially when forcing your kidneys to filter out substances that haven't been approved by the FDA. Hey, that rhymes.)

And finally...

11. Almaden Vineyards Mountain Rhine Wine (5L Premium Cask, also known as a box)

Maybe this should be number one.

Thanks again for making this the best birthday ever! 

XOXO,

Belly

PS: I should note that in regard to items 8, 10, and 11, readers should not feel compelled to limit themselves to a single unit. I have ample storage space here at the parent's house, so extras can be stocked away for a rainy day.

PPS: Gifts of cash are also VERY acceptable.